hi. hello. uhm how are you, I guess? 

no, don't answer that. I'm sorry, I know. you found me in your desperation and lost me in your solitude and i hope you heal from it and I'm sorry I failed you. but I hope you know they lied. i don't care. i made a house from all the devotion you gave me once. it's empty. i hope you never live in it. there are five hallways and two bedrooms and most of the doors don't open, and the doormat is half-done, and there is water damage on the ceiling and I hope you never see any of it. sometimes, I still hear you biting your hand in the one-bedroom apartment and the echo lives in that kitchen, waiting for you to light the match to erase every single trace of the times you’ve been loved (just to ignite). 

i love you. i love you. i love you. i miss you. don't visit. i see you and I scream because you remind me of all the ways I did you wrong. I'm on my knees every day, begging. forgive me. if there was sin, you are free of it and if there was heaven, you would never reach it, because an eternity of joy is an eternity of misery. 

eat the apple. turn and take one last look. burn. but don't abandon love. i watch you give up and it drives me crazy because you are love. you give it and you receive it but you yearn for an idea and I watch him laugh because why did he reach you and why did I let him fall? you give up on yourself, your passion, your misery, your hurt, and your fight, and you wonder why I don't see you but, I do. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. don't forgive me but never forget them. even in your brightest moments, hold on till the narrative is all you own and there is nothing to fall back on and nothing to look forward to because this is what you do isn’t it? you claw your way onto every relationship and dig so deep that all they remember are the tetanus shots and you wonder why they walk away. 

i see you wait and wait and I wonder when you stopped walking and started running. turn. 

i gave you everything you ever wanted and then you sit there with your anger as if you didn't ask for the steps to the end. you astral project and manifest and hide when it comes. you survive another month and wonder what you'll do the next one and blame me for the headaches. i could walk you to the end of the rainbow and you'd pawn the gold for five minutes with your sadness. you ask me why you're alone but you chose this. i rammed you into your destiny and you fixated on the concussion. 

you make the mosaic nature of your pain into poetry but bury your head into the sand the minute you realise you're a mirror. you look into people and hope to see yourself and hate it when you do. you look for something you don't even want to find. and mourn because you're your own worst enemy. your path is a highway but you're driving on the guardrail and wondering why the sirens stay behind you (get off the shoulder oh my god). don’t waste your potential out of fear that you will waste it. and don’t come see me. 

if I ever send this I hope you write back but if you ever see this I hope you block me and leave.